So much of the last 2 days has been spent thinking about the inevitable. Surgery. It has been all consuming in that I don’t feel I get a rest from the thoughts. Not sure what exactly is causing the higher than normal anxiety. I realise that I did tell a friend about my “news” on the weekend and her response was that I was brave. I think things began there because I didn’t feel brave. Just doing what had to be done and yet it’s the waiting and waiting that makes it hard. I was determined at the start but the waiting is a struggle.

I’ve started contemplating Christmas in a new fashion. In a “What if this is my last Christmas” mode. I go through highs and lows there too. Changing family Christmas from what we have always done doesn’t go down well. I want to change focus from watching the kids getting a mountain of presents and the mad frenzy where 9 kids and 12 adults start producing the mountain of wrapping paper waste. I cant stand the thought of it. The rubbish, the plastic, the cost… then my thoughts drift to the opposite situation. People or families lonely, hungry and with kids who will receive very little or nothing this Christmas.

If this is my last Christmas I want to change things. I want my kids to know that Christmas has a religious meaning, that presents are better given in packages wrapped in love. A favourite story read slowly and carefully by the child that learnt to sound out words and started to discover reading for themselves. I want to hear the little ones sing and dance with laughing and smiling on their faces and seeing and feeling that joy too.

On a night my mind is active and I cant sleep, I sit up, get a pen and paper and start writing down families and kids names, creating a Chris Cringle list. In my excitement at how easy that was, I get on my phone and draft an email spelling it all out. Why not start Chris Cringle this year. Lets eliminate presents for the adults completely, lets give each child just one gift!  Radical I know. It made so much sense to me when I read my email through that I hit send and the message was gone. It was after midnight and I was fried, but felt lighter with the message sent and finally fell asleep.

I missed the birthday party where the rest of my family gathered and was later notified of the discussion they all had about my Christmas email. My dad told me that people agreed before I got the email to say one gift would be a let down.

I was let down. Flat, stressed.

blog by Dyna Eldaief

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